First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
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[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
This checks out
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy