GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
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I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Me trying to look natural in photos
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult