[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
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I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.