[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
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Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
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I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life