GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
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Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night