girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
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I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
One of the best
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Don’t touch that.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.