Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
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instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.