My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
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*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
the official breakfast of 2021
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
I got soap in my shower beer again.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.