GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
You Might Also Like
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.