GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
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A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
#ParentingFacts
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.