Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
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*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
The Friday File.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.