She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
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(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.