@ScottLinnen: Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
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@Sickayduh: [Cruise ship] "HELP! THIS MAN HAD A HEART ATTACK" - I think I can help *frantically covers him in all the life vests* cmon do your stuff
@MasterOfFury: I'm not stalking you. I'm trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
@Chumpstring: FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me? ME: no FRIEND: they'd stop making fun of my ponytail ME: they'd pretty much have to
@drinksmcgee: I always buy a woman a popsicle on the first date to get a feel for how things might go later.