Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
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[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Stop sending me this shit.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES