Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
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[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
the official breakfast of 2021
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong