Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
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Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.