GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
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What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.