I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
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I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
#TopTip
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble