Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
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“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
I only say stupid things when I talk.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Thrilling chase underway
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.