[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
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When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Important
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.