My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
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Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
*pronounces patio like ratio
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets