If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
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[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Bed should get ready for ME
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that