Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
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[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
I think we should hear other voices.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.