HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
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[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
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.
.
.
.
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.