My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
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My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Cha-ching is my safe word
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
he looks great for his age
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.