Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
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Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?