Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
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me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.