Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
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I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
#NoRestForTheWicked
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone