@Halbeerz: Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
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@Coops_Bradley: That's a really big gun in your pants. And that's how you get out of a speeding ticket.
@MarfSalvador: [Morgue] Cop: Sir, I know it's tough but we need you to ID the body Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
@gorrdano: How bout I hold a toaster over you while you're in the tub, and you tweet something that doesn't make me drop it.