Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
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Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ