@Douchekevin: Girlfriend kept nagging me to take her home to meet my family, so I did. Her and my wife aren't getting along.
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@jake_likes_naps: [Ouija board] "Hey spirits, talk to us" W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E "fml"
@Mikecanrant: *puts baby marshmallows on a porcupine* There you go little guy. Now you're bouncy.
@SaraMansford: Sad that at 36 I have yet to experience the dirty dancing lift. If it doesn't happen by 40 I'll just start running at random strangers.
@causticbob: Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for "hardcore poem"?