The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
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*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
If you know, you know
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us