Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
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ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t