[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
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that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
A dad and his duck
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.