[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
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Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.