spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
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Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Truth
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.