Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
You Might Also Like
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
My love language is hissing.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.