How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
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dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee