Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
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Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!