Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
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The pen is writier than the sword.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
I like donuts.
Twitter:
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Nice try, poison.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt