I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
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me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
The French word for sex is croissant.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4