@Douchekevin: Girlfriend told me she wants me to pull her hair , but apparently not while she's driving. Girls are weird.
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@AmishPornStar1: Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
@Ristolable: [pitch meeting] Okay so it's a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of 'em. I call it "100 Dalmatians." [idea man pipes in] Let's think bigger
@Lazer_Cat_: *spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I'm sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
@amishschool: My wife yelled, "This is the LAST TIME I'm going to tell you to take out the trash", and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.