@Douchekevin: Girlfriend told me she wants me to pull her hair , but apparently not while she's driving. Girls are weird.
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@GingerGander: Man texted: "I want you to be my little angle." I answered: "Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?" Two days have passed, no reply.
@IAmKashWah: Interviewer: How do you hit those high notes? Adam Levine: I sold my soul to the devil. Interviewer: Excuse me? Adam Levine: Practice.