girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
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One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
me, too, girl. me, too.