Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
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me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day