So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
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Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
🤣🤣🤣
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.