The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
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“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
asking santa clause for nudes
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’