A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
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*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
that wasn’t the question
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.