@SonOfCha: Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
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@KeetPotato: wife: "this is really your idea of an anniversary present?" me: [on the other walkie talkie] "you didn't say over, over"
@envydatropic: If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
@tastefactory: JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses? HE-MAN: Well, I- *job interviewer's fake mustache falls off and it's Skeletor*
@TheRobCee: Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.