Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
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When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
yeet
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Selfie
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too