@JKNenagh: Girls are a lot like oceans,
but once a month
it's shark week.
@ddsmidt: Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It's okay, I've had it coming for some time now.
@turtledumplin: When a cop pulls you over, pull out a map and ask them for directions until they forget that they pulled you over.
-me, right now
@WheelTod: Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
@1CarParade: If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
@PyrBliss: A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I'd react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.