@JKNenagh: Girls are a lot like oceans,
but once a month
it's shark week.
@AaronFullerton: "Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!" -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
@cupcakelynda: Microsoft Word just suggested that I change "you're" to "you is" so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
@stockejock: Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen's house.
@dire_beard: If a child's survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child's funeral.
@AristotlesNZ: The obvious way to smuggle drugs past a drug sniffing dog would be to hide it in another dog's ass.