Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
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Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
who wants to go expliring
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.