Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
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Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
what’s the point then??
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Lmfaoooooo
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.