Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
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Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.