@BakedBrotatoes: Girls are just like pasta. Throw her against the wall, if she sticks, she's ready.
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@novicefather: I DO help with the laundry. My wife just doesn't understand. I wear the same jeans for like two weeks straight.
@LackOfShame: The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
@timdonakowski: Pee your name in the snow and you'll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
@chuuew: [Dinner with family of Owls] ME: Want me to say grace? DAD OWL: No. We don't do that M: I thought you were- D.O: Pls don't M: birds of pray?