A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
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The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.